The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.