The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.