A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
You Might Also Like
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
The Others (2001)
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.