Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
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Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.