@ThatOneGoodVibe: The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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@nagunnatelya: Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...
@QueefTornado: "I'm tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
@iscoff: My uncle started shouting at me about my "misuse" of emoticons and had a heart attack ;)