The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Poetry is my passion
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.