Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Carpe DM
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.