bias laundering edition
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Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.