[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.