parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Knock Knock
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.