The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia