The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
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My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me