@noog: The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
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@thepoetknight: *pays $20 for deluxe car wash* *hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*
@davedittell: the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok
@LaurenRP: I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
@JaneSays___: Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone's mouth while they're talking?