@OwensDamien: The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
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@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
@JWilsonGA: Wife: Your PMS jokes aren't funny. Me: I can't help it, they just flow out of my mouth. Wife: ... Me: Fine. No more. Period. Wife: *eyeroll*
@PimpBillClinton: Ladies, don't tell me you care about the environment if you don't support my "Share a Shower" water conservation program.