The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD