The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I have no passwords left in me
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight