The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.