X-tra spooky blend
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Unexpected Judgment
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If looks could kill
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I’m calling the cops.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me