@TheMichaelRock: The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.
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@yoopnative: I'm broke but not "vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it" broke. *more than twice.
@WilliamAder: People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
@Rachelnoise: Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."
@BlindChow: Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Well– Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*