COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*