The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂