[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
nature’s most graceful animal
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*