Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
How dude HOW?!