Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Home is where your toilet is.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.