Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.