Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75