THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
S M O L
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.