THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
the noise i just made
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?