THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.