THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
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I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*jazz hands*
I have a new favorite meme page
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary