THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[Infomercial]
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AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*