Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful