Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
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Breaking news:
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.