Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
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9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines