THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
termite twitter scares me
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.