Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Digital security in Ancient Troy