Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
my mind
You just read my mind
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too