Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
OMG 🤣🤣
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.