Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out