Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Your mother has terrible taste in children.