Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today