THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire