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@LizHackett: THEM: You can't go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
@ClaytonSykes: After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, "you'll need your receipt." I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life...
@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
@sara_ashlynn: My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!"
I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.
@Grind_n_Roll: Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
@noog: When you're alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what's up.