THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis