Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”