Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.