Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA