@shkeeber: Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
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@davedittell: prayers by believers to a "Sweet Jesus" imply additional deities: Sour Jesus, Salty Jesus, Umami Jesus and, most frighteningly, Bitter Jesus
@botandy: when I see a Facebook relationship status 'it's complicated' I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
@TawaNicolas: I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
@RideSallyRide69: The definition of Irony: Your job sucks Your kids suck Your life sucks Your wife...doesn't