I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that