The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.