Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
You Might Also Like
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria