Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free