@david8hughes: Then god said, "Let there be light," and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson's nose.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
@bourgeoisalien: Hey, Christianity- what's all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don't. Because sex. Also? More sex.
@evanR39: Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet? Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.
@KindOfASmartass: If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?