@Reverend_Scott: Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot
@Be___Dope: People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I'm over here wanting Donald Duck.
@TheThryll: Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
@TheSharona06: [Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.