@Reverend_Scott: Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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@Crunk_Jews: [first day as Tour Guide in History Museum] "And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really old shit."
@causticbob: My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early. It was a picture of her at the airport.
@weinerdog4life: One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV
@givesnoerection: I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.