“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
How about daylight saves us for once
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Woke up with morning Yule Log